Latest Jokes

Why did the computer programmer call his mother long distance?

Because that was her name.

I got one of those talking dog collars for my chihuahua who I named 'Ding-Bat'. The collar is supposed to tell you what the dog is trying to say.

Ding-Bat would just glare at me and say "merk, merk". I sent the malfunctioning collar back for repair. After two weeks it came back to me in the mail with a note. “Dear Sir, your dog’s collar is in perfect working order. The problem is your dog cannot pronounce his J’s.”

Little Johnny’s teacher was grading student essays about actual family experiences. She came upon Little Johnny’s paper entitled, “The time my dad told me to jump out of the tree and he would catch me.”

Tearing up his teacher knew she’d been too hard on little Johnny for misbehaving and such. She felt terrible just knowing how hard his life must be. Not wanting to read each painful word she decided to give Little Johnny an 'A' without reading it.

Surprised to see an 'A', Johnny was quite puzzled. He thought to himself, "My teacher couldn’t have like the part when my dad caught me and told me that some people can be trusted. She must have liked the part where I stomped on his big toe and called him a wimp."

My neighbor was complaining about how bad she needed new tires and how much they cost. I told her to start putting her extra change in a jar with a label reading, "Re-TIRE-ment Fund".