My New Years resolution is to start reading more...
So I enabled the subtitles on my TV.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it means one of two things...
It's either a new car or a new wife!
Child: "Mom, may I have a bicycle for my birthday?"
Mom: "Will it make you behave any better if I do?"
Child: "No, but I’ll behave over a wider area."
Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?"
Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."