A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"
The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday."
Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line-up the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"
Number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me?"
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."