I asked my father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
"I had just the worst day," he replied. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out. On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!' The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!
My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad.
But don’t worry...
I’ll return!
Yellowstone tourist: "Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?"
Yellowstone guide: "The glaciers brought them down."
Tourist (cluelessly): "But where are the glaciers?"
Guide (wearily): "The glaciers ... have gone back for more rocks."