A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
"No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."
A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm, holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!"
A car passes them, the driver yelling, "Get off the road you lunatics!"
As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard.
The homeless man then tells the priest, "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out'!"
A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.
“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease there’s no discomfort of any kind.”
“Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly.”
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"