Paddy hates his wife's cat so much he drives it to the next town and dumps it there. When he gets home, the cat was there.
The next day he drives it 50 miles out and leaves it. When he gets home, it's there again. So the next day he drives it to the other side of the county, some 150 miles away, and tries again.
Six hours later he calls his wife and asks, "IS THAT DARN CAT HOME?"
"Yes, why?" asks the wife.
Paddy says, "PUT THE DARN CAT ON THE PHONE, I'M LOST!!!"
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow... Freeze a jolly good fellow..."
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom... Grandpop... am I all polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bear replies, "Because I'm FREEEEEZING!"