In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"
"Yes, please!" we said.
He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"
“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.
“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”
“My father couldn’t stand her.”
There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her explosive temper.
As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.
"Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband.
Johnny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Johnny, who's just five years old, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that it hurts."
Mom was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in she said, "What happened?"
"She knows now," little Johnny explained.