The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
A man was boasting to his kids that when he was young, the young ladies would be chasing after him.
The kids (naturally) went to the man’s mother and asked if it were true. The grandma says, “Well, kids, it’s mostly true but I wouldn’t quite put it like that.”
“How would you put it, grandma?” asked the kids.
“I’d say the young ladies were chasing him AWAY!”
Me: Mom, you're invading my personal space.
Mom: Well, you came out of my personal space, so that makes us even.
Father: Are you playing with that video game again? What about studying?! What about homework?!
Son: Ahhh, school is such a bore!
Father: Listen, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked ten miles to school! When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he did his homework by fire-light!
Son: And when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States!