holiday jokes

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?

Half an hour?

Twenty minutes?

"Of course I'll attend your no alcohol, vegan Halloween party tonight…

I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man!"

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. Less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

Dr Frankenstein: "Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50% glue and 50% aspirin."

Igor: "But what's it for?"

Dr Frankenstein: "For monsters with splitting headaches."