The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?"
"Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty.
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well," he replied, "I said I was 87!"
Little Johnny turns up late for school one day and his teacher asks why.
Little Johnny responds, "It's snowing heavily outside, so every time I took one step forward, I slipped two steps back."
"Well, how did you make it to school then?"
Little Johnny sighs, "I got fed up, so I turned to go home."
"Whose car is this?"
"Mine! I just picked it up from the car dealer. You like it?"
"It's great, congratulations!"
"Thanks, but it's just a second hand one. Would you like to take it for a spin?"
"Really? You don't mind?"
"Not at all."
Five Minutes Later-
"What'd going on? I thought you were taking the car for a spin?
"Just give me a minute. I'm just trying to decide something."
"Well, you said it's a second hand car, but I just can't decide which is my first hand and which is the second?"