Best Jokes

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop?
6. Bad cop, No donut for you!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I pay your salary.
9. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
10. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
11. What do you mean, have I been drinking? And you're a trained specialist?
12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
13. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
14. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
15. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
16. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are.
17. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got stuck between the brake and gas pedal,forcing me to speed out of control.

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for those 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote', one of my best friends would still be alive.

Jessie is telling Sam about the new mechanic in the neighborhood.

"I'm telling you Sam, that's a mechanic you can trust!"

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, I thought he was going to charge me a lot of money for a lot of made up repairs, but he didn't. He only charged me for changing the light blinker fluid."