Best Jokes

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20's, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment... an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.

“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist yells back, "There is no God."

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord."

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God."

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd.

I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cash box to pay.

Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."