"Oh doctor, something is the matter with me, but I don't know what. I feel terrible, but I don't know how. And I have the most awful pain, but I don't know where."
The doctor replied, "Well, I will prescribe something for you, but I don't know what. You will use it for three days, but I don't know how. It will cure you, but I don't know when."
A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast.
The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages.
A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "$75 due for a consultation."
Marine corporal (at a party): "Do you see that officer over there? He is the meanest egg I have ever seen. He is an ugly sap of an officer."
She: "Do you know who I am? I am that officer's daughter."
Corporal: "Do you know who I am?"
Little Johnny's aunt was visiting and going on and on about her husband. "When he went overseas during the last war he carried my picture through every battle."
Little Johnny interrupted her with a question, "Did he use it to scare the enemy off?"