Best Jokes

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.

“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”

“My wife.”

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

An elderly American couple went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker explained to the husband that, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150".

The man thought about it and told him that he would just have his wife shipped home. The undertaker was surprised. He asked the man, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."

My second grade announced at the dinner table that after school a boy in her class had kissed her.

Trying to stay cool her mother asked, "How did that happen?"

Our daughter said, "It wasn't easy, I needed three other girls to help hold him on the ground."