Best Jokes

My second grade announced at the dinner table that after school a boy in her class had kissed her.

Trying to stay cool her mother asked, "How did that happen?"

Our daughter said, "It wasn't easy, I needed three other girls to help hold him on the ground."

What do cows listen to on their headphones?

Moo-sic!

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

An elderly American couple went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker explained to the husband that, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150".

The man thought about it and told him that he would just have his wife shipped home. The undertaker was surprised. He asked the man, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."