Latest Jokes

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!"

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.

Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.

After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid.

After five minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I've been standing on your golf ball for the last five minutes!"

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."

Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."