Latest Jokes

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After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Gooney bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Gooney bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Gooney bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Gooney bird! The shelf!"

Again the Gooney bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Gooney bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Gooney Bird, my foot!"

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CATEGORY Animal Jokes
posted by "Jareth the Goblin King" |
3 votes
 

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry, and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."

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CATEGORY Police Jokes
posted by "merk" |
2 votes
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After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too.

"Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner.

"No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."

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CATEGORY Animal Jokes
posted by "merk" |
1 votes
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What do you call an all male, mathematics school?

A Man-U-fractioning facility.

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CATEGORY Puns
posted by "Mahovy" |