Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags,
Please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray,
As for my belly, Please take it away.
Keep me healthy, Keep me young,
And thank you Lord, For all you've done.
I had a job offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the interview on business class.
During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.
After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a flight attendant approached me if I wanted her to dispose of the bag.
I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."