"Everyone at work told me to stop making jokes about puns."
"Why is that?"
"Because none of them were punny!"
"Stop. Just stop now."
Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
He said: “Working from home.”
I don’t have a “dad bod”...
I have a father figure.
I'm sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"