Best Jokes

So, I'm at a store buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I told her that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(At that point practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, the lady behind asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Patient: Doctor, whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right.'

Doctor: Then wait for half an hour before getting up.

An anesthesiologist has a stock answer to the usual question asked by pre-surgical patients:

“How much will the anesthesia cost?”

“Oh, about $100.00. $1.00 to go to sleep and $99.00 for waking up. Most patients buy the whole package.”

Two young girls were reading when one girl said to the other, "I'm never having kids."

"Why?" said the other.

And the girl replied, "Because I heard they take 9 months to download."