What is the Internet's favorite animal?
A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”
Why did the gardener always eat her toast dry?
Because she saw the butter-fly!!
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."