"My photographs don't do me any justice."
"They just look like me."
A police theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the officer called the farmer directly.
"Is it true, Mr. Smith, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth," lisped the farmer.
Being from that area herself, the officer clearly understood the farmer. She entered her report: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs.
When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly, "Three chairs for the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up he turned to face the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
Why did the skeleton go to prom alone?
Because he had no-body. =(