Latest Jokes

Some helium floats into a bar and tries to order a drink.

The barman says, “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”

The helium doesn’t react.

At a packed airport ticket counter all ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long.

He finally decided to march right up to the counter, pulling his wheeled suitcase, and demanded that he be given his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line."

Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!"

The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who knows him please help us."

The man quietly returned to the back of the line.

Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week.

He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a moment and then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me live with her."