I called into my crappy job last week and said that I was sick.
My boss asked me what was wrong, and I said that I had something wrong with my eyes.
When asked to elaborate, I said that I couldn't see myself coming into work today.
Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter bollocks.
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling...
All she gave up was sex.
Why are orphans so bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house is.
Did you hear about the soothsayer who accurately predicted an earthquake?
Everyone said it was his fault.