-- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
-- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
-- The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get.
-- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
-- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
-- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
-- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
-- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
-- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
-- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
A man is convinced he has telekinesis. A group of scientists finally agree to test his claim. The man is placed in a room with a cup on an edge of a table. The scientists tell the man to knock the cup off the table using the telekinesis. The man stares with complete and utter focus but with no results.
For weeks the experiment continues, the man sits there staring at the cup with relentless ferocity but nothing happens. Suddenly, without warning, an earthquake strikes, shaking the table and causing the cup to slide off and come crashing down onto the floor. At that, the man turns to the scientists with a smile and says, “See!”
The scientists say, “Yeah, but you didn’t cause the cup to fall, the earthquake did.”
The man says, ”What do you think caused the earthquake?”
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"
A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.
“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.
“Stones, sir,” the officer replies.
The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”
“It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”