A girl walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Bud light please."
He said, "Are you 18?"
She said, "No."
He said, "I can't serve you then."
As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth bar i have been in today. What does a 22 year old have to do to get a beer around here?"
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
"What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
The new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school.
The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."