A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a corrections officer, "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying, "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"
"That's not true!" she shouts. "He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
A boy asks his parents for a new computer because his old one is running too slow. His parents tell him it’s not in the budget.
Determined, the boy goes into the kitchen, grabs the microwave and food processor, comes back and begins attaching the two appliances together. His parents see the boy and ask him what he’s doing.
He says, “First I’m building the microprocessor and then I’ll see what else we got lying around.”
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
THINGS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
2. British Constitution
3. Passive- aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
3. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.