A speaker had a business engagement in a small town a few hours away. The train on which he was traveling was far from fast, and he took every opportunity to keep the conductor informed as to his opinion of the pace.
Finally, frustrated, the conductor blurted out, “If you don’t like it, get out and walk!”
“I would,” the man replied, “but the committee doesn’t expect me until this train gets in.”
On a boat...
Captain (boasting): This boat makes twenty knots an hour!
Passenger: How long does it take the crew to untie them?
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."
My new girlfriend works at the zoo...
I think she's a keeper!