Best Jokes

Sign at a fast food place: Eat, or we'll both starve!

I asked my heart, "Why can't I sleep tonight? Could I possibly be in love with someone?"

My heart replied, "Don't act like you are in love with anyone, it's because you slept in the afternoon."

At Cambridge University, a bright young student showed up for the exam and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale.

Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting in examinations may request and require cakes and ale."

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

John was dozing against a tree with his fishing rod in the water. His friend came by and looked at the line. “You don’t have any bait on the hook,” he said.

“It’s too much trouble to clean the fish if I caught one,” replied John.

His friend said, “John, you are the laziest man I know. What you need is a wife and a family.”

John opened his eyes and said, “Do you know where I can find a pregnant woman?”