"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. What she actually said was, “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Washington Commanders."
Grandpa: They say a man’s car is a reflection of himself.
Granddaughter: I see what you mean Grandpa; sometimes your car doesn’t want to start in the morning, and when it does start it sputters and back fires before it gets going.
Online Teacher: Johnny, you didn't complete the assignment I sent to your email box last week. Did you get the email?
Johnny: You'll have to ask the N.S.A., they read my emails so I don't need to. I figured if an email is important they'll let me know.
Teacher: Tell the N.S.A. they're getting an incomplete on this assignment and they better pay closer attention next time or they'll fail my class.