Best Jokes

Things You Say After 50:

Where the #$%# is my phone?

How did I get that bruise?

How do they expect you to read that small print?

Where'd I put my glasses?

I don't care if it doesn't look fashionable, it's comfortable!

Who the heck is calling at 9pm?

Little Johnny's mother is making dinner when Johnny runs up to her, sobbing uncontrollably. "Mom, Mom! I just cleaned my room!" he exclaims.

"Why, that's wonderful dear!" his mother replies. "But why does that make you so unhappy?"

"Because I still can't find my snake!"

My son and I were walking our small dog when he took off after a duck and jumped into the river. A nearby German tourist jumped into the river to save our dog.

When he'd climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog. Dry him off, keep him varm and he vill be fine.”

We thanked him profusely, and my son asked him, "Are you a vet?"

"VET?" he exclaimed. "I am soaking!"

Who is the meanest reindeer in Santa's herd?

Olive.

You've heard the song.

"Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."