I took the train to NYC today and the conductor paid me the nicest compliment as I was boarding...
They said, “First class rear..."
My wife was upset when she told me she had failed her driving test.
I said, "Oh no, what did they pull you up on?"
My wife replied, "A rope. The car's still in the canal."
What do you call the ritual of giving honorary college degrees to celebrities?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.