THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now, turn it off and get to bed!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OH! Styling gel, Mousse, Something...?"
"I don't care what you've discovered, You still could have written!"
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
Why do you pronounce “queue” as “q”?
Because the other letters are waiting in line.
What's the difference between an umpire and a pickpocket?
One watches steals and the other steals watches.
Mary's list for the throughout the ages...
What I Want in a Man, Original List
3. Financially successful
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.