"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again.
6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs.
7. Sweep the room with a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby cre ating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: