A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang.
"Who was that?" the guy asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"Damn, I better get going then," the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?"
"You can relax," said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you."
Little Johnny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull."
"Oh I see," said the teacher, "but I'm sure your father could have done that."
"No ma'am, he couldn't have," said Johnny, "it has to be the bull"
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the little man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof," said the little man.
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And the clerk asked me, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'"
"What happened next?" the judge asked.
"I punched him."
A Russian arrives at a friends house with a bottle of vodka. The friend silently leads him into the dining room where they both sit at the table with the bottle. Not a word is spoken.
The friend goes off and returns with two vodka glasses. The Russian fills the two glasses with the vodka, and they begin to drink. Not a word is spoken.
After much silence and a half-empty bottle, the Russian ventures a comment, “Good vodka, agree?”
At this, the friend slams down his glass and replies, “Did you come here to talk or to drink?”