A lion was walking in the jungle and met two men. One is sitting on a rock reading a book and the other is working at a typewriter.
The lion ate only one. Which one and why?
He ate the man reading the book because everyone knows that reader's digest and writer's cramp.
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is an eagle that's sick."
For his birthday, Little Johnny's parents gave him a bowl of goldfish. His mother carefully explains to him how much responsibility comes with owning a pet and tells him to make sure he remembers to give the fish the care they need every day.
Johnny is responsible with the fish for about one week, after which he begins forgetting to look after them, leaving his parents to feed the fish and clean the tank. After a couple of days, Johnny's mom and dad bring the issue up to him.
"Now Johnny," says his mother. "You have to be more responsible."
"Do you know how many times those fish would have died if we hadn't been there?" his father adds.
"Uhm, I don't know," Johnny replies. "Once?"