Best Jokes

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."

"Where are you?" she asked.

She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.

While in international waters, a commercial fishing boat was taking on water. The Captain got on the radio, “May Day, May Day!”

In a few moments he heard a crackling response on his radio from another fishing boat, “June Day, June Day.” Then yet another fishing boat responded, “July Day, July Day.”

The First Mate said, “Captain, what do all these responses mean in international code?"

The Captain replied, “It means man the life boats.”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Upon retiring, a woman decided to fulfill her lifelong dream and live abroad. As part of her preparations, she visited her doctor to pick up her medical records. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so with a sigh, she reported a litany of symptoms, this aches, that's stiff, I'm not as quick as I used to be, and so on.

He responded with, "Mrs. Dickson, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to be a hundred?"

Mrs. Dickson looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's ninety-nine."