My Uber driver really cares about my mental health.
Just this morning I got a message from him saying: “I’m here for you.”
Your veterinarian won't tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and buy some mustard.
It's the best thing for a hot dog.
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
If you don't know what to talk about on a first date, try mentioning Global Warming.
It's a huge Icebreaker.