word play jokes

I'm retired.

I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

I saw a man stealing groceries the other day while on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.

The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

And they respond: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

+ It's a good thing you came in today. It's the last one we have.

+ You made it yourself? I would have never guessed.

+ Go ahead and tell me, I won't tell another soul.

+ It's delicious but I can't eat another bite.

+ The doctor will call you right back.

+ You don't look a day over 50.

+ Your baby is just beautiful.

+ Put the map away. I know where we're at.

+ Having a great time. Wish you were here!