My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
"We have your son," said the kidnapper.
"I don't have a son," says the woman.
"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"
"Oh God, you have my husband."
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.
What was the dog doing on the turnpike?
About seven miles an hour.