"Hello," exclaimed Jenkins, as he met his friend Jones. "You're looking a bit off color. Anything wrong?"
"I'm afraid there is," replied Jones, "I've had to give up drinking, smoking and gambling."
"Well, I must say that's all to your credit," commended Jenkins.
"Oh, no, it isn't," snapped Jones. "Its due to my lack of credit."
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait! I can explain everything.
A kind farmer told the forlorn lad whose load of hay had overturned in the road, to forget his troubles and come in and have dinner with his family. "There will be time enough to clean up the load after a good meal."
The boy demurred; said he didn't think his father would like it. But the farmer persisted and won. After the meal the boy said he felt better and expressed his appreciation for the hospitality. At the same time, he was sure his father would not be happy.
"Nonsense!" said the host. "By the way," he added, "Where is your father?"
"Under the hay," was the response.
Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room
Me: How old are your kids?
Patient: 44 and 39 with my wife who passed away, and 15 and 13 with my second wife.
Me: That’s quite the age difference!
Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.