Best Jokes

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic."

"Do you mean aspirin?" ask the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. i can never remember the name."

COLLEGE MATHEMATICS EXAM PAPER

INSTRUCTIONS: ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS. ALL QUESTIONS CARRY EQUAL MARKS.

You have dated a girl for 2 years, eventually she drops you for another guy. Calculate the percentage of time wasted.
(20 marks)

You bought a phone for your girlfriend and she gave it to another guy. Using trigonometric identities, derive a general formula for this type of love.
(20 marks)

(For Boys) You’re dating around 15 girls and every girl is demanding for a Samsung Galaxy and an iPhone 6s.

(a) Plot a graph of girls against prices of phones.
(15 marks)

(b) Use your graph to estimate your future poverty.
(5 marks)

You are dating other peoples’ sisters yet you don’t want to see any guy with your sister. Calculate the Percentage Error in your thinking capacity.
(20 marks)

You are a civil servant, your wife is a petty trader, your combined household income is less than $500. Your daughter who is awaiting result is using iPhone 6s and Samsung Galaxy both worth $2,000. Calculate the Percentage of your Parental Negligence.
(20 marks)

(For girls) You’re a girl and you have dated 20 guys with hard labor, use the law of diminishing return to calculate the substance that will be left for your husband to enjoy.
(20 marks)

You can’t give your wife $15 for a pot of soup, but you spend over $100 in bars and restaurants. Calculate the radius of your ‘stupidity’, take p=3.142.
(20 marks)

GOOD LUCK!

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor. “It really works.”

“Not a chance,” says she. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“No problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” he asked.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“I don’t understand,” said the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good”?

“Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”